Reflections #28 "Messages"

"Dear Ryylar,

Things have turned from bad to worse, down here. Not only do I have to deal with lack of understanding from the townspeople, for missing my father's funeral. I don't need this, I can't have this right now.

Rumor has it as well that my father killed himself because we were missing, in that mirror universe. He killed himself because of me .. If I hadn't gone on that mission, if I hadn't joined Starfleet - just like he really never wanted me to - he would still be alive, today. This is a very heavy weight to bear, Ryylar. And, again .. something I can't use, right now.

On top of that, I had to deal with burglars, in my father's old farm. I found the place half trashed when I got here, and beat another one into the hospital, when I heard some noise from downstairs. He's sueing me now, for that.

Still going through my father's stuff .. Well, what's left of it, after the burglaries. I'm finding lots of old things I thought were lost to time, in the attic and the barn. Stuff that belonged to my family for ages, stuff that belonged to me, stuff that belonged to mom.

God, I'm sitting here, writing this message, and crying. Hang on, gonna freshen up a bit.

Ok, back.

Anyways. I'll be here a while longer. Need to work through tons of badness, need to find out what I can legally do with all this stuff that I simply can't take with me when I return and can't leave here. I need to figure out what to do with my father's lands, the farm, the summer cottage, everything.

I keep saying 'my father's stuff' .. But it's mine, now. It still hasn't sunk in, completely.

Alright, I'm gonna put this message aside for a bit and visit my parent's graves. I don't know what I'll do there, what good it'll do, but .. I feel I have to go. And talk to them.

Alright, I'm back. That didn't help much. But then, it did help a little bit. I can still hear their voices - mom telling me that it's alright, and that I shouldn't blame myself, and dad telling me that it's not alright, and it's all my fault. And then apologising for making me feel bad.

I wish you were here, hon .. But you need to be where you are. The ship and the crew need you, more than I do. I know you'd want to come here and help, but .. Well, you can come for a little visit, if you want. But I need work through this, myself. I just need that. I'm sure you can understand, or atleast accept even if you don't.

Thank you for being there, hon. Even though you're so far away. Just knowing you're there and thinking about me, helps. And I'm thinking about you, too.

I love you.