That's my Q # 58 - "Beldar arrives at Work"


[Human Domain - Planet Earth - Outside Business - 20-th Century]

Beldar appeared in front of a white Toyota sedan that held a sign on its roof, "Beldar's Student Driver School." He had a faint memory of a Starbase over Lethe IV near the Romulan Neutral Zone. Beldar realized he was wearing his white robe cherished for mating rituals and two sensor rings on his side. A pain tingled on his thigh and he reached his hand into his pants without any modesty. He pulled out a communicator, Charles Zorach's communicator.

A woman walking on the sidewalk looked at Beldar with a slight giggle. "Are you going to a Halloween party?" she asked.

Beldar straightened his back and grinned. "I'm from France. This costume is for that blunt skull celebration, I suppose. Hehe." The woman walked away.

Beldar's stomach growled like an alien. It was lunchtime and Beldar walked into his business and headed to his personal break room. He opened six cans of soda still attached together by a plastic holder. Beldar poured the soda into his mouth and swallowed. He opened a desk drawer and found some fiberglass insulation that his mate had acquired for his lunch. The fiberglass tasted like cotton candy. The phone rang. "Mip!" Beldar exclaimed.

Picking up the receiver, the voice of his mate came on. "Beldar, could you pick up some groceries on the way home, dear one?"

Beldar smiled. His family had lived in isolation from Remulak for many years and he had acquired his Green card from immigration. His daughter was a citizen of the blunt skull civilization having been born on Earth. Although his daughter had gone to college for the experience, she was more intelligent than the average professor. This left more time for a comfortable middle-class existence among the intelligent-challenged blunt skulls. His love for his mate had grown in the same way that blunt skull couples do. In addition, Beldar had perfected his golf swing at the local country club.

"I would be happy to do so. Please list," Beldar replied. All was right in the universe except for a blunt skull communicator.

"Ok. List begins -- 20 cartons of eggs, 50 pounds of bacon, 100 pounds of beef hide, 60 bottles of sunflower oil, 20 loaves of wheat bread, 20 loaves of white bread, 100 bags of potato chips, 20 frozen pizzas, the ones you like, of course. Ah, 250 cans of coffee, 20 cases of light beer, 20 cases of dark beer, 20 cases of champagne, 20 cases of motor oil, 250 light bulbs, 250 fluorescent bulbs, the six feet variety, and one pregnancy tester."

Beldar's mouth dropped open. "Pregnancy tester? Has our daughter been honing with her blunt skull boyfriend?"

"No silly, it is for me. Just in case," she replied. "Oh, 300 cartons of cigarettes."

"Are you planning a romantic dinner for us?" Beldar asked. He chewed on an empty soda can savoring the metallic taste in his mouth. He followed it with another until the entire six-pack was consumed. A dentist long ago capped his pointed teeth so he could fit in the blunt skull society. It was his teeth that got him in trouble with the high leader.

"You'll just have to find out, dear one. We have not honed in a few weeks. See you later." The sound emanations ceased and Beldar put down the receiver.

Beldar had a spare business suit in a closet and changed clothes. He hung the mating robe in the closet and stopped to feel the edge of the delightful sensor ring. He felt a longing for his mate. She was an expert tossing the rings on his head. "Like Mark Antony and Cleopatra," he said and chuckled. He went to the mirror to adjust his necktie and stared at his eyes.

He located a pack of cigarettes in his jacket and tore off the packaging. He lit all 20 cigarettes and sucked in a lung of tobacco smoke. "Ah, mass quantities. Charlie, this is the life. A beautiful mate at home. A daughter at school being smarter than the blunt skulls. And freedom from Remulak red tape. Charlie?"

Beldar sniffed at the communicator again. The trace odor of synthehol lingered on the device. "Q did this. No, no. I'm Charles Mason Zorach and Beldar of Remulak." He felt his Conehead but it was going to come off. He stomped around the break room in an alien fit of anger.

Instinctively, he reached for his human male organs but found something alien instead. Beldar punched the mirror and picked up a shattered piece. He took a bite and chewed reluctantly. The glass and silver backing had a bland taste with a texture like potato chips.

Beldar rummaged through a desk and found a tape recorder. He switched it on as he turned the sign over at the door so it read "Closed, Please come again" to visiting patrons. "I never wanted to be Beldar of Remulak. I'm no longer human. It must be 20- th century Earth. I don't know how to drive that vehicle out front and yet I'm the instructor at my own student driver school. Maybe a book would have the details. No, wait. I'll get one of my students to drive me home. The groceries, mip! Mip!"

"Q, have you had your entertainment, yet?" Beldar yelled. He took another long puff on the cigarettes as the ashes trickled to the floor. Then, he got to thinking about the other crew including Cleopatra, Frankenstein, V, The Count, Earhart, and Juliet. They might be trapped as he was in a character's life. He was trapped in a time before Starfleet even existed, without aid or hope of escape. "MIP!"


Beldar of Remulak Lieutenant Charles Zorach Chief Intelligence Officer Starbase Ronin (SB 47)